Poems & Essays

22 Apr

Vacuuming the Car

General/Column No Response

I pulled into the car wash, past the wet bays, straight to the coin op vacuum station. Three round stainless steel cylinders caught the morning sun, glorious, promising. Quarters jingled in my pocket.

I opened all four doors, flushing the inside of my filthy car with cold morning air. I could see my breath, but the briskness was worth it. I hadn’t vacuumed my car for over a year, since before my diagnosis. The filth was disgusting, a year’s worth of candy wrappers, pebbles, errant buttons and screws, a marble or two, some legos, plastic spoons, dirt, an armless Barbie doll. Stuff that had once smelled bad but whose odor had eventually dissipated. It was all going to be vacuumed clean.

Fourteen months ago, my husband found a lump on my right breast. “What’s this?” he said in the darkness of our bedroom. I put my fingers over his, pressing down on the almond-shaped lump that was hiding just beneath the softness of my skin.

“I’ll make an appointment in the morning,” I whispered back, the air between us suddenly heavy, somber.

It was the moment that set wheels in motion, the moment that led us to the dreaded diagnosis. Triple negative breast cancer is the most aggressive form out there. It spreads fast, begets a grim prognosis. Within a few days of finding the lump, our lives were sucked into a medical vortex. Terms we had never heard of, machines we had never seen. Diagnoses I couldn’t understand, even after they were explained over and over again, gently, but with unwavering constancy.

Meanwhile, the mail piled up. And the laundry piled up. The refrigerator started to smell. A crack in our windshield went unprepared. Our air conditioner broke. The yard needed to be mowed. And, the filth in our car mirrored the new level of chaos in our lives every time we ran out for a gallon of milk.

At the car wash, I started piling the big stuff on the leather upholstery, throwing trash into a plastic grocery bag I found on the floor.

Tentatively, I reached my hand underneath the back seat, the “black hole,” as we call it in our family because so many lost items land there mysteriously. A can of corn. Colored pencils. Lots of crayons. And then, a tiara, emerald green and sparkly. A tiara from before the almond, before the chaos hit.

Was it really that long ago? Had it already been over a year? I remembered the brilliant green dress, the slicked back hair, the shiny belt and the little slippers, my precious Lauren all dressed up to perform a scene from the Wizard of Oz, this sparkly green tiara the crowning jewel of her labored-over costume. Sparkles showered her hair, brought out the green in her eyes, the excitement of the moment glowing on rosy cheeks. For weeks before the performance, she had pranced around the house like the tiny ballerina she is, pirouetting, tiptoeing, springing, giggling.

When the day finally came to perform, my husband bought her a pink rose, and she posed with it, smiling into the camera, grabbing her dad by the neck and pulling him close. I recall the image, two faces smooched together, hers framed in the green glow of her costume and his with the unabashed love of this little child.

Chemo is over now, as is the lumpectomy and the weeks of daily radiation. The windshield is still cracked, but the laundry is mostly caught up and the refrigerator smells reasonable.

I tossed the debris into the trash but placed the tiara on the front seat. Glitter showered the leather, more fodder for the vacuum.

But the glitter shined that glorious morning in the coin op vacuum stall, shined like confetti in a ticker tape parade, celebrating my recovery.

Nancy Brier is a writer, entrepreneur and coach. She lives in Northern California with her husband and their eleven-year-old daughter, Lauren. To see more of Nancy’s work, visit www.NancyBrier.com.

 

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22 Apr

Husbandry

General/Column No Response

Our son was only

a year old when you told him,

“divorce is the worst thing

that could happen to a family,”

then went outside, watered

fruit trees. A breeze

curled the curtain against

the window frame,

a spider crawled across

the kitchen floor, our son drained

all the apple juice from

his sippy-cup. I prayed Lord, Lord.

I prayed thunderbolt, lightning,

omen, sign. Outside,

sunlight played with folds

in your t-shirt as I watched you

through the window, my belly

hard, ripe, against

the countertop—our daughter

kicking inside.

 

Kimberly Ann currently teaches freshman composition at Central Michigan University where she is also pursing a graduate degree in Creative Writing. She lives with her children and a small dog in a small house, in a small village, in the central Michigan area. Her poems have appeared in Ruminate Magazine, Temenos, The Central Review and on Narrativality coffee bags.

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22 Apr

Isaac Among the Buttercups

General/Column No Response

“Do I like butter?”

Under his chin the golden promise

glows, bee-sweet, on smooth skin,

his face a fresh, uptilted moon.

I nod. He shrugs and frowns,

strokes the citrus yellow flower,

now limp, bedraggled, lets it fall.

A finger of breeze toys with his hair,

his black-lashed eyes are summer blue

as he searches the reflecting sky

for buzzards, distracted by Robinia’s

lime-green tongues, the flit of damsel flies.

I choose a rose for him, gypsum-white,

offer up its peach and molasses fragrance,

but he’s off running, on sunburnt legs,

through buttercups, knee-deep in sunlight.

 

Lesley Quayle is a poet, author and folk/blues singer and mother of four who currently lives in the wilds of rural Dorset.

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22 Apr

Crayons and a One Year Old

General/Column One Response

I think it every time I see you
with paper and crayon in hand

As you snap a section of forest green
in your mouth, I wonder if the flavor

matches the color. I question
if it would forever be a part of you

and turn the specks in your eyes
the color of abandoned copper train cars

under the sun. Somehow you always
know what to say without saying a word.

You point to the sky and trace stars
with the tips of your fingers.

 

Julie Ramon is an English instructor, specializing in English as a second language, at Pittsburg State University in Kansas. She graduated with an M.F.A from Spalding University in Louisville, Kentucky. She enjoys baking and selling cakes from home on weekends. She lives in Joplin, Missouri with her husband and son.

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