I study those turquoise pools of curiosity for verificationas they twinkle.
I smell your nascent toes
as you suckle my breasts. Our breath rhymes as we lay spooned.
When our lips meet, we brighten.
All of this is evidence of you
Swaddled in health.
But how do I know for sure?
Trauma harangued assuredness,
banged it up, bruised it.
Nothing is for certain, it seems.
Loving you so fully
reverberations of loss.
Who was the girl who came before,
If she was,
you wouldn’t be,
turned me upside down,
though it all looks right-side up
from the outside.
previously a stranger
unwanted alarm bell
not to take life or love for granted.
I yearn for pre-miscarriage me.
Fresh faced, naïve maybe
bucolic burgeoning belly
Fifteen months should prove your staying power.
to stormy places.
The trauma of this second trimester loss
lives in me
harnessed me, harasses me
will be here
Wishing won’t yield change. I’ll settle on hybridity, even
inverted for now, for always.
Dr. Jessica Zucker is a psychologist and writer based in Los Angeles. She has contributed to The New York Times, The Washington Post, BuzzFeed, among others. You can find her at www.drjessicazucker.com and on Twitter @DrZucker.